It’s funny how even now my perspective about things are even changing still. Back in Chapter 2 of my writings I wrote that one of my motivations to get my back surgery was so I could get back in the game instead of sitting on the sidelines. I think about that now after dealing with blot clots, and a pulmonary infarction. All I can say is, I’m so grateful I’m sitting here on the sidelines and I’m able to be here watching my kids play in the game. As, Kent will tease me at times with the saying, “it’s not all about you Tahny!” How true is that?!
For almost 10 months everyone’s questions to me have been, “how are you Tahny?, how’s your back?, are you still on blood thinners?, do you know if they’re gone yet?” Of course, I would answer these questions in the politest way possible. But, I can look at it now and what I really want to say is, “Kent is doing great, this has been really tough for him at times but he has handled things well could you pray for him” and…..”Max is doing ok too, this is scary for him and he is struggling with some things, could you pray for him?” And Rudy, all I can say is I’m glad he’s three. It’s kinda like after a woman has a baby everyone’s focus is now on the baby, not the mother whose body just went through the trauma of delivery. All, you hear is “how’s the baby?”
When I was in the hospital when my lung collapsed, I got a text on my phone that said, “what’s your favorite color?” I wrote back “white.” It’s funny that I instantly wrote white when all my life it’s been orange. Then I proceeded to text, “I love all colors.” Then that was the end of our texting. I was too drugged up to notice that might have been a little odd.
Finally it was time for me to come home from this round at the hospital. I was as weak as I ever been. In two weeks I dropped 24 lbs. It was hard for my mom to even look at me. She would talk to me with her head down and I would have to tell her, “Nellie you can look at me when you are talking to me!” In Nellie classic style she said, “not until you go put some blush on your face!” But, that meant climbing up my stairs so, too bad, so sad Nellie! Actually I was that weak. I remember walking the halls in the hospital wanting to carry my cell phone in my pocket but that felt too heavy and it was weighing me down.
Kent drove in our driveway and through my teary eyes all I see is this beautiful yard filled with flowers of all colors but, mostly white. Max, stood at one side of me holding me up and Kent on the other side. I remember Max grinning ear to ear because he was so proud that he kept this secret from me. He wanted to burst! Me too, then I remember my odd text, “what’s your favorite color?” Ahhh, the Jenness’. Kathy and Kevin Jenness, they planted these flowers for me. Not only did they plant flowers they weeded and watered these flowers for two days. I stood in my yard on that sunny afternoon with my hands clutched in Kent’s and Max’s, feeling the warmth of the sun and love of my friends all at the same time. I was humbled by the out pouring of love from them. Kevin and Kathy took the time to care about me, and show me their love and concern. And, I was speechless. I don’t know if they will ever realize how much this meant to me. There were days when I would be at home not being able to do anything but sit on the bench on my front porch looking at these flowers with a tear rolling down my face every time.
Flowers, everyone will bring you flowers as a sign of their love & care for you. Not, only did the Jenness’ do this for me but so did the two loves of my life. God and Kent. While I was in the hospital Kent planted from seed a row of zinnias in our garden. It was the most beautiful garden I’ve ever had since we lived here. I never knew just how beautiful zinnias really were until this past summer.
Then there were my flower boxes. I never went and bought a single plant this year to place in my yard or boxes. I didn’t have to. We all know that petunias are an annual. But, not at my house this summer. Last year I had planted PINK petunias in my boxes. This year without planting anything there started to grow PURPLE petunias. And they were beautiful. They were full boxes, almost as if I planted too many in one box.
Psalm 23:5 NIV……my cup overflows.
I was awakened earlier this morning by a bad dream. Ick! Then I prayed, “Lord I’m sorry for all the times I haven’t thanked you enough for bringing me through all these situations over the past 10 months. Even though I’m still waiting on my results I know Your Almighty Hand is still guiding and directing every step. I’m on your agenda not mine. I love you, Jesus.” Amen
I have heard of people that have gone through trauma in their life feel like they need to give back. I have never felt so strongly about “giving back” in my life like I do now. I feel like I’m here by the grace of God and I need to share my services to others like everyone has done for me. Going through this journey really has been a beautiful thing. The love, support and outpouring of friendships from even complete strangers has been touching. When I was the in deepest and scary situations I still felt peace. Yes, anxious but calm. There was nothing I could do. The only thing I felt like doing was going in a rolling field and throwing my arms up to God and falling to my knees and worship Him. Then it dawned on me…that’s right where He wants me to be and you. He wants us to realize its through Him we get through the valley. But, until we get there He wants us to be still and look at the valley it’s green, lush, there is flowers being planted for you and me, the valley can be beautiful and peaceful. We all want to be on the top of that mountain and feel accomplishment and full of pride that we’re at the highest peek in our life. We are untouchable. Then we make it there to the top and then we realize it actually is quite lonely there.
I don’t want to be untouchable or feel alone even if it means being on the top. Yes, this journey has not been an easy climb at all. But, I can say whole heartily it has opened my eyes to a new layer of beauty in my life. The value of friendship, family, perseverance, spiritual & physical health and most of all, the level of love in my marriage. I would sternly shake my head “NO” I don’t wish to go through this again. But, I would never have anyone take away what I have learned. And the biggest thing I have learned is, “this truly has been a beautiful journey”
I’m still waiting for my results. My scan was quick and went as excepted. The only issue I had was bleeding through my gauze. The tech had to change it twice, I had to remind her I was on blood thinners!
Thank you to everyone for your prayers, text, emails and phone calls. I can’t believe that so many people care! You all are amazing. My dear friend Becky texted me yesterday apologizing for texting me for fear my phone was blowing up with everyone wondering about my CT scan and the results. Please, don’t think I’m overwhelmed by phone calls or any other contact for that matter. You all deserve to wonder and want to know. I have felt each and everyone of you each step of the way.
I hope to have some answers today. I’ll let you know! Blessings to you all.