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My Results Are In!!

21 Nov

My goodness I wish you all were standing in my kitchen with me as I answered the phone call. I’ve never felt so “positive” about hearing the word “negative!”

Bye, bye, bye.

Hello again….I’ve missed you

My results came back negative of any site of pulmonary embolisms. I can discontinue the use of Coumadin. I do need to go in for a follow up in December. And my family physician Dr. Leppert told me to have a salad and enjoy! So I have officially heard from both doctors and I’m in the clear!

Seriously, I’m so overjoyed I went and gave Rudy the biggest hug ever then I noticed he pooped but, that didn’t stop me! I needed some sort of embrace from someone, even if my little power ranger didn’t want to hug me back! He told me, “stop Tahny” with a push. (Yes, he calls me Tahny!)

Isaiah 40:31 NIV-They will run and not grow weary but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Thank you Lord, for being so faithful. Lord I’m so full of emotions but nothing to say. I’m so glad you know my heart. And I can sit here and be silent, and you know the hundreds of words pouring from my soul without my mouth muttering a single word. I love you.

Psalm 107:1 ESV-Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!

There are absolutely no words to express the emotion I feel right now and the gratitude I feel towards each and everyone of you. All of your prayers have given me so much comfort. Thank you!
Thank you! Hundreds of blessing to you all!

Now lets eat some greens!



Friends and Flowers Chapter 7

21 Nov


It’s funny how even now my perspective about things are even changing still. Back in Chapter 2 of my writings I wrote that one of my motivations to get my back surgery was so I could get back in the game instead of sitting on the sidelines. I think about that now after dealing with blot clots, and a pulmonary infarction. All I can say is, I’m so grateful I’m sitting here on the sidelines and I’m able to be here watching my kids play in the game. As, Kent will tease me at times with the saying, “it’s not all about you Tahny!” How true is that?!

For almost 10 months everyone’s questions to me have been, “how are you Tahny?, how’s your back?, are you still on blood thinners?, do you know if they’re gone yet?” Of course, I would answer these questions in the politest way possible. But, I can look at it now and what I really want to say is, “Kent is doing great, this has been really tough for him at times but he has handled things well could you pray for him” and…..”Max is doing ok too, this is scary for him and he is struggling with some things, could you pray for him?” And Rudy, all I can say is I’m glad he’s three. It’s kinda like after a woman has a baby everyone’s focus is now on the baby, not the mother whose body just went through the trauma of delivery. All, you hear is “how’s the baby?”

When I was in the hospital when my lung collapsed, I got a text on my phone that said, “what’s your favorite color?” I wrote back “white.” It’s funny that I instantly wrote white when all my life it’s been orange. Then I proceeded to text, “I love all colors.” Then that was the end of our texting. I was too drugged up to notice that might have been a little odd.

Finally it was time for me to come home from this round at the hospital. I was as weak as I ever been. In two weeks I dropped 24 lbs. It was hard for my mom to even look at me. She would talk to me with her head down and I would have to tell her, “Nellie you can look at me when you are talking to me!” In Nellie classic style she said, “not until you go put some blush on your face!” But, that meant climbing up my stairs so, too bad, so sad Nellie! Actually I was that weak. I remember walking the halls in the hospital wanting to carry my cell phone in my pocket but that felt too heavy and it was weighing me down.

Kent drove in our driveway and through my teary eyes all I see is this beautiful yard filled with flowers of all colors but, mostly white. Max, stood at one side of me holding me up and Kent on the other side. I remember Max grinning ear to ear because he was so proud that he kept this secret from me. He wanted to burst! Me too, then I remember my odd text, “what’s your favorite color?” Ahhh, the Jenness’. Kathy and Kevin Jenness, they planted these flowers for me. Not only did they plant flowers they weeded and watered these flowers for two days. I stood in my yard on that sunny afternoon with my hands clutched in Kent’s and Max’s, feeling the warmth of the sun and love of my friends all at the same time. I was humbled by the out pouring of love from them. Kevin and Kathy took the time to care about me, and show me their love and concern. And, I was speechless. I don’t know if they will ever realize how much this meant to me. There were days when I would be at home not being able to do anything but sit on the bench on my front porch looking at these flowers with a tear rolling down my face every time.

Flowers, everyone will bring you flowers as a sign of their love & care for you. Not, only did the Jenness’ do this for me but so did the two loves of my life. God and Kent. While I was in the hospital Kent planted from seed a row of zinnias in our garden. It was the most beautiful garden I’ve ever had since we lived here. I never knew just how beautiful zinnias really were until this past summer.

Then there were my flower boxes. I never went and bought a single plant this year to place in my yard or boxes. I didn’t have to. We all know that petunias are an annual. But, not at my house this summer. Last year I had planted PINK petunias in my boxes. This year without planting anything there started to grow PURPLE petunias. And they were beautiful. They were full boxes, almost as if I planted too many in one box.

Psalm 23:5 NIV……my cup overflows.


I was awakened earlier this morning by a bad dream. Ick! Then I prayed, “Lord I’m sorry for all the times I haven’t thanked you enough for bringing me through all these situations over the past 10 months. Even though I’m still waiting on my results I know Your Almighty Hand is still guiding and directing every step. I’m on your agenda not mine. I love you, Jesus.” Amen

I have heard of people that have gone through trauma in their life feel like they need to give back. I have never felt so strongly about “giving back” in my life like I do now. I feel like I’m here by the grace of God and I need to share my services to others like everyone has done for me. Going through this journey really has been a beautiful thing. The love, support and outpouring of friendships from even complete strangers has been touching. When I was the in deepest and scary situations I still felt peace. Yes, anxious but calm. There was nothing I could do. The only thing I felt like doing was going in a rolling field and throwing my arms up to God and falling to my knees and worship Him. Then it dawned on me…that’s right where He wants me to be and you. He wants us to realize its through Him we get through the valley. But, until we get there He wants us to be still and look at the valley it’s green, lush, there is flowers being planted for you and me, the valley can be beautiful and peaceful. We all want to be on the top of that mountain and feel accomplishment and full of pride that we’re at the highest peek in our life. We are untouchable. Then we make it there to the top and then we realize it actually is quite lonely there.

I don’t want to be untouchable or feel alone even if it means being on the top. Yes, this journey has not been an easy climb at all. But, I can say whole heartily it has opened my eyes to a new layer of beauty in my life. The value of friendship, family, perseverance, spiritual & physical health and most of all, the level of love in my marriage. I would sternly shake my head “NO” I don’t wish to go through this again. But, I would never have anyone take away what I have learned. And the biggest thing I have learned is, “this truly has been a beautiful journey”

I’m still waiting for my results. My scan was quick and went as excepted. The only issue I had was bleeding through my gauze. The tech had to change it twice, I had to remind her I was on blood thinners!

Thank you to everyone for your prayers, text, emails and phone calls. I can’t believe that so many people care! You all are amazing. My dear friend Becky texted me yesterday apologizing for texting me for fear my phone was blowing up with everyone wondering about my CT scan and the results. Please, don’t think I’m overwhelmed by phone calls or any other contact for that matter. You all deserve to wonder and want to know. I have felt each and everyone of you each step of the way.

I hope to have some answers today. I’ll let you know! Blessings to you all.

Hold My Hand Chapter 6

19 Nov


Change your appointment Tahny…. December 3rd @ 8:30am has been my day to get my CT scan to check and see if my pulmonary embolisms are gone. This scheduled appointment sheet has been stuck to my refrigerator for 4 months. I look at it everyday thinking that day couldn’t get here fast enough. Then I get the opportunity to get it changed to November 20th @ 10:30. 4-5 months ago I would have jumped on that earlier change. But… it puts a tight turning knot in the pit of my stomach.

Why? Why, aren’t I excited about this!?

I guess, I didn’t realize how nervous I was. It’s funny how you think you’re ready and can’t wait for something and then the time arrives and you’re standing still in your tracks needing someone to give you a push forward. I remember feeling this way the day I got married. The “here comes the bride” song was being played on the piano, and the doors were about to be open for me to walk down that long aisle to this young man that I will now call my husband. The wedding coordinator was directing me towards the door that was shut to keep the bride secret until it was time for her big reveal. Then she said in a very exciting voice, “are you ready?!” My arm was hooked around my dads arm and I blurted out “NO! Don’t open those doors!” The piano player had to repeat the wedding march.

I knew I wanted to marry Kent but I was scared of moving forward to the next chapter in my life. Then, my reliable father took me into another room privately and said, “Tahny, I love you and if you don’t want to do this you don’t have too. The money doesn’t matter and either does all those people out there. I will go and tell everyone that it’s off.” I stood there looking at my dad in shock thinking that was not what I expected to hear. Then dad asked me, “Tahny do you love Kent?” Without hesitation I said, “yes!” Then he asked me, “do you believe God put you two together?” Then the next thing I know, my dad is holding and patting my hand all the way down the aisle for me to say “yes” to the love of my life, Kent.

You know even through all my nights of pain I would call out my dads name. I would wake myself up calling, “Dad! Dad! Dad, Help!” His would happen every night. Kent would just come and check on me, and I’d wonder if he even noticed what I was shouting. I finally asked him if he ever heard me yelling and crying out for my dad? He said, “of course I do.” I asked him if it made him annoyed or upset and he just said, why would it? Our earthly father & heavenly Father is a symbol of security and safety. Kent understood.

After I came home from being diagnosed with PE’s from St. Joes, I was noticing extreme pain in my right side. Max was having his talent show that evening and I was determined not to miss it. I was video taping Max preform his “talent” of Tae Kwon Do and breaking boards. Max was so nervous and I was too for him! I sat there in so much pain barely being able to hold up the recorder but, still thinking I couldn’t imagine not being there. Max was finished and I handed the recorder back to Kent and said I have to go to the medplus, something is wrong. Dr. Leppert did a x-ray of my chest checking me for pneumonia. I didn’t have it. He did tell me what meds to take in hopes it would help. But, if it doesn’t get any better let him know ASAP. Well, the next day came and I couldn’t move. I fought to get to the phone to have grandpa come down and get Max on the bus. Max was already scared to have something else be wrong with me. I just tried my hardest to stand up tall and reassure him I was ok. I just told him I’m kinda hurting this morning but I’ll be fine. Then grandpa pulled in. Max looked at me and said, “I’m not leaving you mom, and I’m not going to school!” Then the bus pulled up to the driveway. I said, “I’m fine Max, I need you to get to school I love you so much!” I would call Max’s teacher to keep an eye on him and to be aware of what’s going on at home.

I couldn’t walk up straight, I couldn’t breath. This was getting worse. Nellie was at my house too and I called Kent home. We went to the doctors without having an appointment. I walked in that office they looked at me and sent me back immediately to Dr. Leppert. I couldn’t talk, Kent did all the talking and explaining. I just sat there with my head down watching my tears leave wet polka dots on my jeans. I knew where I was headed. Dr. Leppert couldn’t even make eye contact with me. He has been through this whole journey with me since I first blew my back out. He knew the last thing I wanted to hear was, “Tahny you know where this is going right? I shook my head…yes.

I had to get another CT scan. I knew I had to remove all metals. That meant my necklace. My necklace has the boys initials on it. I didn’t want to remove it. There was something about Kent removing my necklace in that crowded bathroom that made me break down in hysterical tears.

My IV was getting put in. I was looking the other way and Kent was rubbing my arm to console me. I was in so much pain and to lay down it was a struggle. But I had to get the CT scan done. All I remember is Kent looking down at me with tears in his eyes telling me to try to breathe and try to get calm, so they can get this scan done. Kent for the first time had that look of fear in his face just like Max. And, all the imperfect things we have done to each other in our marriage didn’t matter at all anymore. In that moment of him looking down at me seeing me in pain, not being able to breathe made Kent grab on to new heartstrings that were being pulled and tied together with mine forever. We experienced a new level of love that was far deeper then that first day he took my hand in marriage.

Isaiah 54:8 I will show you my love forever.

After my CT scan I was RUSHED over to the ER. The nurses and doctors were waiting for me at the door. What was happening was my right lower lung was collapsing. This is called a pulmonary infarction. Very Painful! So, yes my lung was collapsing during Max talent show. I was in the hospital for 5 days. And, one of these days was Mothers Day.

This would probably sum up why I have hesitation. For 7 months the only thing I have heard from every professional in the medical field is how these blood thinners “have been saving my life.” And now my safety net would be gone. They weren’t there sitting with me looking at my children with me, having the fear of their worst fear coming true. And, the questions going through my head of, how would my husband do this without me….?

I sat in these hospital beds crying for order while everything inside me wants to hide. I was terrified and wanting to hide from all these ailments within my body. And, with all my humanness I just wanted to cry out to God and question WHY?!?! I was heavy with grief but, all I could do was kneel on my knees and cry out to my Lord, “You have a plan that is greater then my understanding.”

I’m I dreaming….I am frighten by this load I now bare but, before my head agrees that this is not a dream I’m on my knees crying to God that you are with me every step. I’m holding your hand Lord. Lord, did you wrap yourself inside the unexpected to show me just how far Your love will go? Every moment You have been with me, and I know I haven’t traveled this journey alone. But, I’m not brave I’ll never be, I’m just a girl, Your girl who’s willing and waiting on you, Lord. And, all I have to offer is my heart. I will hold you now, and You will hold me in the middle and forever. Help me be a warrior not just a mere shadow. Even though I’m trembling hard within I trust You. I’m banking on Your promises Lord. I am treasured, sacred and I am His. I offer all that I am to You, please help me be strong. Pour over me Your holiness….

“Your life is better without Coumadin, Tahny” is the words Dr. Leppert said to me when I knew he was picking up on my new found hesitation to rip off this band aide. He has been wonderful talking with Kent and I through this whole situation. He is another blessing through this journey.

These are the words I tell myself now, At this point if my clots are gone the Coumadin is only a poison. Ok, life goes on….I’m ready.

Tomorrow my heavenly Father will be holding and patting my hand as I walk in for my CT scan. My appointment is November 20th at 10:30am. Please pray for me I’m nervous for whatever the outcome is. But, please pray they are gone. I love you all and I will keep everyone posted on the results.

*a great inspirational song that has helped my sister and I get thru this journey is, “Be Born In Me”

Becky’s Results

15 Nov

Thank you to everyone for your prayers for Becky. It has been two long days wondering about the CT scan results. This is the letter of results Becky received from her doctor today.

Hey! Awesome news!!! After discussion your case with Dr.Santiago, you are safe
to stop Coumadin today!!! No more Coumadin. Your CT was unremarkable and your
D-Dimer was awesome as well. I knew this yesterday but I had to get a provider
to sigh off prior to me telling you:). Thank you both for the great info.
Please keep in contact. Do you still have my personal e-mail? Let me know.
Have a good one!


LaTashia M. Nolan,RN
U.S. Naval Hospital
Internal Medicine Nurse Clinic Manager
Diabetes/Coumadin Educator

Please say a prayer today thanking God for answered prayer. Becky is sooooo relieved and so is her family! God is good all the time! Hooray! What a great birthday present for you Becky! Now, go eat some cabbage, and the biggest spinach salad ever!!

I love you Beck! And I couldn’t be more thrilled for you! oxoxox!!


Disbelief Chapter 5

13 Nov


Before I was able to come home I needed to have my I.N.R levels up. This is checking how thin my blood is by the blood thinners, Coumadin, Lovenox and Heparin. The doctors wanted my blood reading to be between 2.0-3.0 This is called being therapeutic. I wasn’t reaching the goal. I couldn’t break 1.4 which meant I couldn’t go home. I was devastated. It was a waiting game. I couldn’t eat either. My stomach was a complete knot. Plus, I didn’t know what I could or couldn’t eat so I resorted to a couple bites of hospital oatmeal and water. Then another blood draw….1.6 I could go home. Not as high as they wanted me but I could go home and that was all that mattered.

I called Kent to pick me up. Samantha was still with me and she helped me pack and carry my things down to the lobby to wait for Kent. While waiting in the lobby there was a young girl sitting across from me and she seemed to be autistic. She had an IV in her arm, scars’ on her body, and her teeth were messed up. Then she asked me, why was I there? Her dad looked at her with one eye brow raised and told her not to be rude! I said, “it’s ok and I’m here because I have blood clots in my lungs”…..that was the first time I said it to a stranger and I heard myself say it and thought oh my gosh I have blood clots in my lungs! Then this young lady said she is going to the dentist to get her braces removed and she hopes that she will be able to sing again. Her voice was a little slurred and her words were drawn out. She clearly was not talking that way because of the braces. But, she was convinced once her braces were to be removed her singing voice would be restored. She proceeded to tell me she wanted to try out for American Idol “again” I just shook my head thinking this is really sweet and extremely sad all at the same time. Then she said, she wanted to get ANOTHER golden ticket. She explained that she tried out last season and waited in the long lines and made it thru to the judges and received a golden ticket to go to “Hollywood!” I kept nodding, listening in disbelief. Then I looked at her dad, tears were puddling in his eyes and he looked at me and shook his head yes and said it’s true. This young lady 1 week before Hollywood week was in a bad car accident and hit a huge tree head on. She was extremely fortunate to be alive. She once was a young lady that had her “once in a life time” ticket clutched in her hands then just like that in a quick blink of an eye her life is reverted back to being in the mind of a 5 year old. Her ticket..her golden dream….gone. This young lady could have possible been the “Next American Idol” and all she was excited about that day was getting her braces removed. Her excitement was as huge as if she just got that ticket all over again.

It brought tears to my eyes. She could’ve stood there in the hospital lobby and belted out the most beautiful sound from her slurred and stuttering voice and everyone there watching would’ve declared her a winner. I can only imagine her voice now sounds more precious to her dad then the first time he heard her sing without any flaw. Then she left, and I was left there sitting and being reminded how precious and fragile life is once again. But, most importantly how we plan our own destiny and how quickly God can put the brakes on our plan so fast and turn us down another direction. His direction, His path. Fighting this realization as a Christian sometimes makes it so much worse. We need to just “let go” and “let God.”

God knows us personally, has a plan for us, and allows us to find hope in Him.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Lord, I’m so glad that no accident, blood clots, or sin can ever removed the Golden Ticket you have given me as being my Savior. Nothing can removed You from me. Nothing.

I was home. Kent had to go back to work. I reassured him it was ok to leave and I’d be ok. But, really I was screaming inside, don’t leave me! I just felt so guilty he was missing work so much. I was by myself for the first time in 6 days. It was quiet. I stood there in my living room weak, looking at the clock thinking Max will be home in 1 hour. I can’t wait to be standing here at the end of the driveway waiting for him. I wanted Rudy home, I wanted to hear him say, “Mommmmmyyyy!” But, I was alone. I turned on the tv to break the silence. It didn’t help, so I went outside there was a slight breeze, I remember thinking I just want to sit down and close my eyes and let the sunshine soak in. But, I was paranoid to sit. You should stay moving to prevent blood clots…..are my socks too tight….how long was I in the car sitting….what time is it, do I need my Coumadin? Does that have vitamin K in? STOP! STOP! STOP! Settle down! Everything is ok…I felt this calmness pour over me. The quiet became peaceful instead of frightening. And the Son was pouring in.

Becky was still in Japan already packed and ready to come home. Derek was in main land Japan when Becky had given me the phone call about coughing up blood. I told her I will keep my phone and FaceTime on the whole time to stay with her. She was very nervous and now concerned she would not be able to come home. If there was ever a time she needed to be home it was now! She had another military wife take her in. Becky explain to the doctor how she has been feeling and what she coughed up. The doc said she wanted to rule out any possible chance of there being pulmonary embolisms. Becky was in disbelief. I was in disbelief. She called me up saying, “Tahny what do I?” “What if that’s what they find?!” I told her they probably won’t find PE’s but, it’s better just to get it checked so it can be ruled out. I stayed with her all night on FaceTime we were typing and talking back and forth through every step, her IV’s, even up to the time she was being rolled in for her CT scan. She would send me pictures so I felt as if I were actually there.

I was waiting for her to type back her results. I was praying that she didn’t have to go through this too. My next writing from Becky was; “I’m on Coumadin for six months” I read those words in disbelief. “Tahny, they said I’m pretty lucky to have such an obvious sign as coughing up blood, what is going on!?” There’s no luck about it. God just sometimes makes things more clear to us then other times. I just don’t understand why her too Lord? The doctor was explaining things to Becky about her new diet she is going to have, what Lovenox shots are and how to do them to herself. But, Becky would talk to her doctor as if she understood all these things way too clearly. Becky let her doctor know that her older sister is going through this exact same thing right now. The doctor looked at Becky and was in shock. Becky explain to her that we weren’t twins but we mirrored each others symptoms. The next thing I know is the doctor is now asking me what dosage of Lovenox and Coumadin I’m on so they can give Becky the same. Becky’s only question was can I fly home? Needless to say they told her “NO!” The same tears of extreme sadness were being shed from across the world at the same time. I just didn’t understand.

Becky’s blood levels got in range, and with a lot of hesitation from the doctors they allowed Becky to come home. My other sister Staci and I were waiting for Becky in the luggage pick up at Detroit Metro. We haven’t seen each other in a year. But longing to be reunited with her since this has happened between us both was different then just a normal reuniting. It felt like I was waiting for my other leg or arm to be rejoined with my body. Then there she was coming down the escalator, I just looked at her for a moment before I started yelling her name, she didn’t look like a 30 year old lady to me, she was my baby sister that I always had to make a sandwich when we were younger. We weren’t even hugging yet but tears were welling in my eyes. Staci and I starting jumping up and down, “Becky! Becky!” Ahhhhhhh the embrace of relief. She was home.

We went to our doctor appointments together, blood draws together, and the genetic testing together. Both of our blood clots are called “Provoked” Becky’s were from oral contraceptives and mine were from my back surgery. So that means an automatic six months of Coumadin for us both. Then we get another CT scan done and see if the clots are gone. Times goes by so quickly, even in the world of Coumadin. After the first couple weeks of adjusting to the medicine, needles, and hundreds of finger pokes you think that time is standing still and six months could never get here fast enough. Then it’s here, well for Becky it is. She gets her CT scan done on her Birthday November 14th at 8:30am. So, please say a prayer for my baby sister today. She is nervous and can’t sleep, laying awake in bed on the other side of the earth from me right now. But, I feel the same nerves that are keeping her awake tonight. Even though my scan isn’t until December I still feel as if I’m getting the test done tomorrow too.

Becky we will be together again soon. Eating desserts, going for a jog, or running a marathon. But, even though we are miles apart the same butterflies that are fluttering in your belly tonight are in mine too today. I love you more then words could ever express. My hand is high in the sky and I’m shouting to you across the world, “PARTNERRRRSS!”

Becky and I after we finished Chicago Marathon

I will let everyone of you know how Becky’s test results came out as soon as I know too. Keep her/us in your prayers.

*become a follower of this blog so you don’t miss any updates.

Love and Pain Chapter 4

2 Nov

After the rush of getting hooked up to Heparin (blood thinner) I was already asking how long do I have to stay? Nurses and specialist were telling me all the same answer 3-4 days. But, this also depends on how well I react to the Heparin. But they kept stressing to me “thank God I came in”, and “I’m in the right place now” & “how lucky I am”. I don’t believe in luck. I believe having my faith in God gives me the strength and knowledge to know that everything is orchestrated by His almighty hand. Everything about this event was being controlled by God.

When Kent and I would be alone in the room, the only thing we would talked about was the boys. It was easier to talk about them instead of what was going on with me. How was Max going to get to school? Where was Rudy going to stay during the day while Kent was at work?…(at the job he just started.) This was rough. I could see the thoughts flooding through Kent, “how I’m I going to preform at work, be there for Tahny, take care of the boys?” I was worried about him. He had to handle all this on his own. Thoughts would creep in my mind…”is this how it would be for Kent and my boys without me….?” Step behind me satan…I would have to rebuke these thoughts knowing they were not from God.

My sister Jaime came up and saw me, my parents, and then Pastor Kevin. “Yikes! This must be bad” I thought when I saw him walk in. Goodness sakes, what the heck is going on with me! During this visit from my pastor he prayed with us all. My mom was crying but trying to play it cool. She couldn’t even look at me. I had to convince her I was going to be ok. She was so fake! Trying to look not worried!

After everyone left. I told Kent I wanted him home with the boys. I wanted them (Max) to be in their own home. I thought it would be best for them to be in their own environment with their daddy. Besides my immediate family, church and Nancy no one knew what was going on with me. Then my cell phone rang. It was my friend Kelly asking me something about school. Our boys are the same age. I told her I was in the hospital with blood clots in my lungs. She was quiet for a second, then instantly said what can I do to help? I told her just pray for me and you can let everyone else know. I don’t want to keep repeating myself. Within 10 minutes of our phone call I had people texting me, telling me they’re praying for me, asking me what they can do to help. Kelly was just the right person to call me at that time.

My first night alone was so quiet. It was calm, finally. No nurses rushing around me any more. No more blood draws at the moment. I just sat there looking out the window, it was dark and the sky was lit up from the light post in the parking lot. I was sitting in bed thinking I have nothing to do. I was watching the clock wondering what Kent is doing with the boys. It was a school night, and I wasn’t there to get Max’s clothes picked out, his snack in the backpack, breakfast in the morning, and a kiss to him before he gets on the bus. Then Max called me on Skype. It’s amazing what strength we can muster up when our children are around, just because you don’t want them to worry or give them any fear. I sat up tall in my bed pulled my hair back in a fresh ponytail and said in a bright voice, ” Hi Max! I miss you buddy!” Max ignored my fake excitement and went straight to the question he needed to know, “are you ok, mom?” His face had fear all over it, I will never forget that look on his face. And his bottom lip and chin was tighten up and he was wanting to cry. I told him, “Yup, I’m fine buddy and I’ll be home in a couple days, I need you to help with Rudy ok?” We said our goodnights. I instantly collapsed back down in my hospital bed. I shoved my face in the pillow, I’ve never cried so much in my life. The silent cry, that cry when you don’t make any sound, just massive amounts of tears rolling down your face. Then there is Rudy. He is two years old and he loves me with his whole heart I know, but he is only two. We don’t even have memories made yet at an age he would remember me. Gosh, I’ve never been so broken.

I called Sharon my pastors wife. She understood what I was feeling without me having to say the words. She shared with me words that impact my life even today. She said, “Tahny God cares about you more then anything, I want you to close your eyes and visualize that you are nestled in His huge arms and He is holding you, taking care of you just be still and let Him hold you.”

Psalm 46:10(NIV)10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God”

I needed to get up out of that bed, my mind was feeling heavy. I would walk down the halls looping the floor over and over. Passing one room after another. There was one room that made me stand still in my tracks. This elderly lady was standing at the foot of the bed of her elderly husband. She was rubbing his crooked feet. His mouth was wide open, his lips sunken in from having his dentures removed and he just didn’t look well. She just stood there staring at him as if she saw something different then me. I saw this feeble looking man and she looked at him as if he was her knight in shining armor. You could see the love and pain all at the same time just by the look she was giving him. She was daze off deep in thought. I could only imagine it was about their younger youthful years, dating each other, being his bride, and raising children together. I stood there drawn in by her love for him crying, hurting and thanking God for letting me be outside this door watching this level of love unfold. Then it dawned on me, TO LOVE IS TO BE IN AGREEMENT TO BE WILLING TO HURT. I saw her sorrow, I felt her sorrow. To be a mother and a wife you are signing that contract to love so much it gives you a gut wrenching pain at times, and even though it hurts so bad, you still wouldn’t give it away. God did this for us. He had His son Jesus die on that cross for us. God allowed His Son to endure the PAIN and suffering to take away the sins of this world because He LOVED us that much. Love and pain, they’re companions. This real event that happen many years ago is the ultimate example of a Father to feel pain and love at the same time.

Love is a hurricane in a blue sky
I didn’t see it coming, never knew why
All the laughter and the dreams
All the memories in between
Washed away in a steady stream

Love is a hunger, a famine in your soul
I thought I planted beauty but it would never grow
Now I’m on my hands and knees
Trying to gather up my dreams
Trying to hold on to anything

During this time I had to start shots in my belly. The nurse came in and told me to lift my shirt cuz she needed to give me some shots. I know you are able to refuse meds in the hospital, so that’s what I did. “No…no…no” is what I told her shaking my head the whole time. She gave me a sarcastic giggle and said, “lift your shirt.” She showed me her badge with her children on it and asked me if I had kids, I said, “yes.” “Then lift your shirt, you need this shot, and you are going to learn how to do it yourself because your boys are at home and they need you there too.” I lifted my shirt. I turned my head not looking. The nurse tried to get me to watch so she could teach me. I told her, “look, this is all I got for you tonight I’m not watching or learning this right now.” She said ok but I needed to learn it in the morning when my next shot is due. I told her there is no-way, no-how I’m going to give myself a shot. I just can’t.

But, I knew who could….Samantha Scouten. My 4th sister. Samantha isn’t my “blood” sister but, she certainly is a sister to me. My shot was due at 6:30am. I called her and told her I needed her for this task. I couldn’t do it. Without hesitation she said yes. Matter of fact once she arrive she never left my side. Samantha stayed two nights with me. This gave Kent comfort, me too. (And Nellie) I didn’t want to be alone. She would take notes for me, she would write down questions I needed to ask the doctor, give me advice, give me my shots, help me get to the bathroom, and walk the halls with me over and over. We walked and talked so much. And when it was silent, it wasn’t awkward.

It’s you and me, me and you
Where you go, I’ll go too
I’m with you, I’m with you
‘Til your heart finds a home
I won’t let you feel alone
I’m with you, I’m with you

Samantha and I

My sisters were calling me constantly. And thank goodness for Skype and FaceTime! I would talk to my sister Becky in Okinawa, Japan a lot. She would just sit there looking at me expressing how bad she wants to come home and be with me. Becky and I would sit there looking at each other crying on the computer. Pathetic and so sad. We needed each other, little did we both know just how much.

Becky and I look a lot a like but we are 4yrs apart. We’re a lot alike too. Throughout this whole situation Becky has mirrored my symptoms. From the time I hurt my back and even having chest pains.

Becky and I

20121102-144746.jpg Becky called me up on the phone and told me she was having extreme chest pain and Derek (husband) had to help her get out of bed. She got this checked out at the doctors and they said it was just strained or pulled muscles from her swim training for an upcoming triathlon she was competing in. I felt uneasy about her diagnosis but trusted the professionals. Then she called me again and said, “Tahny I was brushing my teeth and cleared my throat and a there was a big blood glob, what do I do?” I told her, “I’m sure you’re fine but don’t ignore it and just go get it checked out at the doctors.” This sounds all to familiar. I knew she had pulmonary embolisms, but I was hoping it would come out that she didn’t. Becky was supposed to be coming home in one week….

We could shake our fists
In times like this
When we don’t understand
Or we could just hold hands

You do your best to build a higher wall
To keep love safe from every wrecking ball
When the dust is cleared we will
See the house that love rebuilt
Guarding beauty that lives here still

Who can say I’m left with nothing?
When I have all of you, all of you, yeah
In the way you’ve always loved me
I remember He does too

Song lyrics by: Nicole Nordeman & Amy Grant

You’re ok…Chapter 3

17 Oct


My recovery was going well. I was in a lot of surgical pain but that was all manageable with meds. I would also remind myself this pain was nowhere near the first pain that landed me in the hospital. And it was also encouraging knowing that this was something I needed to get done to have a “normal active” life again. I will admit I was still thinking and focusing on running/spinning again. Doc said my recovery would be 6weeks, so guess what?! I’m now counting the weeks. That was my recovery, not when he said I could run! Dr. Brodkey later made that VERY CLEAR to me. Actually directly after my surgery when I was coming out of the anesthetic I mumbled to Dr. Brodkey “Can I run now?” And I kept asking the recovery nurse to get me my running shoes under the bed cuz I was going to go for a quick run. The nurse told my doctor what I kept saying. He was floored. Dr. Brodkey marched himself out in the waiting room and spoke very clearly to my father and husband, “you both are going to have to pin her down and make her get a full recovery, NO RUNNING, BIKING OR SPINNING!”

When I came home from the hospital there were two people that wouldn’t leave my side. Nellie and Kent’s Grandpa. Grandpa would stay with me until my mom would show up around 9am everyday. He would get Max on the bus or take him to school and get me my morning meds if I needed them. Nellie would do my laundry, take care of Rudy, go to the store for me, take me to appointments and if dinner wasn’t being delivered from my church (thanks debi) she would make dinner. Then start over the next day doing all the same stuff again and again. I can’t imagine how I would have gotten all these things done without them both.

Kent had just started a new job and this was really bad timing for him. He did really well handling all the pressure of starting a new job and everything going on at home. He knew I was in good hands everyday with my mom and I could call him if I needed anything.

When I got home I didn’t care about any activity that would make me sweat at all, I was in pain. And I was determined to get a full recovery so I would never have to go thru this experience again.
I was also anxious to sleep in my bed again. I had not slept in my bed since the initial blow out of my back on February 19th. It was the end of April now and I was still sleeping in a lazy boy my parents brought over from their house.

Everyday I was feeling better, stronger and my limp was getting less and less. One week later I was doing great. Then day 8 came and I was feeling not so good, then day 9 even worse. I was doing a cake order and kept telling myself, “just get this cake done then you can sit on the couch and rest.” Kent took the boys to Cabela’s and he called to check on me and I told him he should come home. My chest felt like I had an elephant sitting on me, I couldn’t get a deep breath in and I had a gut feeling something was wrong. I just thought I was over doing it around the house. And, I would remind myself it has not even been 2wks from my surgery. I thought to myself…..of course I would feel this way. Then day 10, Sunday morning, Kent went and delivered the cake order for me. While he was gone I attempted to get ready for church. I was brushing my teeth, cleared my throat and there was blood. Not blood from bleeding gums either. This was different. I kept it in the sink so I could show Kent that this was probably something alarming. I sat on the bathroom floor wanting to faint but I talked myself out of it. I prayed to God, “just let everything be ok, give me guidance on what to do.” Kent came home look at the blood and said, “oh, what should we do?” Kent called the E.R. at St. Joes. And I called my good friend Nancy. Then 30 minutes later Nancy was at my door telling me to get to the E.R. So, I tell Nancy she saved my life! 😉 Finally an E.R. Dr. called back and said I needed to get to the E.R. to get things checked out, and to play it safe.

I packed a bag knowing I was staying overnight. I just knew I was. We gathered the boys up and took them over to Kent’s parents. I remember dropping the boys off and I hugged them differently this time. It was tighter, longer and I remember trying to breathe them in. I looked at Kent’s dad and he had tears in his eyes, and then he urged us to get going, hurry up.

The ride was quiet. It was a beautiful sunny day. We decided to go back to St. Joes instead of Jackson. There was a traffic jam on the way there. It wasn’t long, but we were at a stand still waiting on the highway to move. I remember looking out the window and watching people get off the highway ramp thinking, “I wonder if they are ok today?” I don’t necessarily know why I thought that, but I knew they didn’t know I wasn’t ok. Things just felt so superficial. Running, spinning, shopping, catering, all these things meant nothing to me. I felt so unconnected to people, I felt alone, separate from the world. All I wanted was my husband and boys. I knew God was in control the whole time. But, I was scared. Yet, I still felt this calmness within myself that I was in the hands of God. I turned my head to Kent and said, “am I ok Kent?” He said a quiet yes to me. I turned back looking out the window with tears rolling down my face. I was looking at myself through the rearview mirror thinking I looked older. Kent was rubbing my shoulder saying it’s going to be fine Tahny, we’re going to be fine, the boys will be fine.

I was wheeled into the E.R. and all of the questions started. Why are you here, what’s going on, insurance, and everyone’s dreaded question…”how much do you weigh?” We were taken back to a room and the E.R. doctor came in and explained what test I needed, so they can check if I had something major going on like blood clots in my lungs. I knew that’s what they were going to check but, it was suddenly real when that doctor said those words. He said I needed a C.A.T scan (CT scan). Kent piped in and said is there any other way to see if that is the problem or not. The doctor looked sternly at Kent and said if this was his wife or any other family member this is the most thorough test to do to see what’s going on. Within 5 minutes I was hooked up to an I.V and being rolled into a room for the scan. The test wasn’t long and they said I would have the results within a half hour. I was rolled back into the room where Kent was waiting for me. I had the clock directly in front of me. I kept looking at it, praying the whole time, “Lord I’m scared, please let everything be ok watch over my boys….help me.” I sat there on the bed hooked up to I.V’s looking at my hands and thinking they are looking older.

Psalm 56:3 When I am afraid, I will trust in you.

20121017-171840.jpgThe doctor came in. He pulled up a chair, sat down and told Kent and I that I had Pulmonary Embolisms in my lungs. I looked at him with a look he must have picked up on because he then said, “blood clots.” I immediately spoke up and said clotsssss like plural? More then one? And didn’t I just cough it up?!! Doctor said I need toooooo…….the room went blank. He was talking and Kent was asking questions and I didn’t hear anything. The room was silent and spinning and I was sitting there in the bed sitting still while this tornado is spinning around me. My boys, my boys, I’m their mom their only mom, they need me…all…their….life…..then the doctor walked out. Kent looked at me and said, “let me have it Tahny pour it all out to me.” I buried my face in his chest and sobbed. He was rubbing my hair telling me its going to be fine. I knew he was concerned too, but Kent has such a strong faith and assurance that God was in control of every step that was taken. I needed that from him. We prayed together there at that moment, with tears rolling down my face Kent kissed me and said everything is going to be ok. I know a nurse tried to come in at this time and she waited outside the room.
Within 20 minutes of my diagnosis I was hooked up to everything. They gave me some sort of drug for my back pain that literally knocked me out. And I remember a nurse coming to talk to me and tried to explain things to me and I was in shock and DRUGGED UP! People were scurrying around me, poking me, hooking me up to this and that…..Kent was sitting in the corner trying to stay out of the way and I would just look at him and he would lip to me in a whisper, “you’re ok….I love you” I would give him a nod saying “ok”