After the rush of getting hooked up to Heparin (blood thinner) I was already asking how long do I have to stay? Nurses and specialist were telling me all the same answer 3-4 days. But, this also depends on how well I react to the Heparin. But they kept stressing to me “thank God I came in”, and “I’m in the right place now” & “how lucky I am”. I don’t believe in luck. I believe having my faith in God gives me the strength and knowledge to know that everything is orchestrated by His almighty hand. Everything about this event was being controlled by God.
When Kent and I would be alone in the room, the only thing we would talked about was the boys. It was easier to talk about them instead of what was going on with me. How was Max going to get to school? Where was Rudy going to stay during the day while Kent was at work?…(at the job he just started.) This was rough. I could see the thoughts flooding through Kent, “how I’m I going to preform at work, be there for Tahny, take care of the boys?” I was worried about him. He had to handle all this on his own. Thoughts would creep in my mind…”is this how it would be for Kent and my boys without me….?” Step behind me satan…I would have to rebuke these thoughts knowing they were not from God.
My sister Jaime came up and saw me, my parents, and then Pastor Kevin. “Yikes! This must be bad” I thought when I saw him walk in. Goodness sakes, what the heck is going on with me! During this visit from my pastor he prayed with us all. My mom was crying but trying to play it cool. She couldn’t even look at me. I had to convince her I was going to be ok. She was so fake! Trying to look not worried!
After everyone left. I told Kent I wanted him home with the boys. I wanted them (Max) to be in their own home. I thought it would be best for them to be in their own environment with their daddy. Besides my immediate family, church and Nancy no one knew what was going on with me. Then my cell phone rang. It was my friend Kelly asking me something about school. Our boys are the same age. I told her I was in the hospital with blood clots in my lungs. She was quiet for a second, then instantly said what can I do to help? I told her just pray for me and you can let everyone else know. I don’t want to keep repeating myself. Within 10 minutes of our phone call I had people texting me, telling me they’re praying for me, asking me what they can do to help. Kelly was just the right person to call me at that time.
My first night alone was so quiet. It was calm, finally. No nurses rushing around me any more. No more blood draws at the moment. I just sat there looking out the window, it was dark and the sky was lit up from the light post in the parking lot. I was sitting in bed thinking I have nothing to do. I was watching the clock wondering what Kent is doing with the boys. It was a school night, and I wasn’t there to get Max’s clothes picked out, his snack in the backpack, breakfast in the morning, and a kiss to him before he gets on the bus. Then Max called me on Skype. It’s amazing what strength we can muster up when our children are around, just because you don’t want them to worry or give them any fear. I sat up tall in my bed pulled my hair back in a fresh ponytail and said in a bright voice, ” Hi Max! I miss you buddy!” Max ignored my fake excitement and went straight to the question he needed to know, “are you ok, mom?” His face had fear all over it, I will never forget that look on his face. And his bottom lip and chin was tighten up and he was wanting to cry. I told him, “Yup, I’m fine buddy and I’ll be home in a couple days, I need you to help with Rudy ok?” We said our goodnights. I instantly collapsed back down in my hospital bed. I shoved my face in the pillow, I’ve never cried so much in my life. The silent cry, that cry when you don’t make any sound, just massive amounts of tears rolling down your face. Then there is Rudy. He is two years old and he loves me with his whole heart I know, but he is only two. We don’t even have memories made yet at an age he would remember me. Gosh, I’ve never been so broken.
I called Sharon my pastors wife. She understood what I was feeling without me having to say the words. She shared with me words that impact my life even today. She said, “Tahny God cares about you more then anything, I want you to close your eyes and visualize that you are nestled in His huge arms and He is holding you, taking care of you just be still and let Him hold you.”
Psalm 46:10(NIV)10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God”
I needed to get up out of that bed, my mind was feeling heavy. I would walk down the halls looping the floor over and over. Passing one room after another. There was one room that made me stand still in my tracks. This elderly lady was standing at the foot of the bed of her elderly husband. She was rubbing his crooked feet. His mouth was wide open, his lips sunken in from having his dentures removed and he just didn’t look well. She just stood there staring at him as if she saw something different then me. I saw this feeble looking man and she looked at him as if he was her knight in shining armor. You could see the love and pain all at the same time just by the look she was giving him. She was daze off deep in thought. I could only imagine it was about their younger youthful years, dating each other, being his bride, and raising children together. I stood there drawn in by her love for him crying, hurting and thanking God for letting me be outside this door watching this level of love unfold. Then it dawned on me, TO LOVE IS TO BE IN AGREEMENT TO BE WILLING TO HURT. I saw her sorrow, I felt her sorrow. To be a mother and a wife you are signing that contract to love so much it gives you a gut wrenching pain at times, and even though it hurts so bad, you still wouldn’t give it away. God did this for us. He had His son Jesus die on that cross for us. God allowed His Son to endure the PAIN and suffering to take away the sins of this world because He LOVED us that much. Love and pain, they’re companions. This real event that happen many years ago is the ultimate example of a Father to feel pain and love at the same time.
Love is a hurricane in a blue sky
I didn’t see it coming, never knew why
All the laughter and the dreams
All the memories in between
Washed away in a steady stream
Love is a hunger, a famine in your soul
I thought I planted beauty but it would never grow
Now I’m on my hands and knees
Trying to gather up my dreams
Trying to hold on to anything
During this time I had to start shots in my belly. The nurse came in and told me to lift my shirt cuz she needed to give me some shots. I know you are able to refuse meds in the hospital, so that’s what I did. “No…no…no” is what I told her shaking my head the whole time. She gave me a sarcastic giggle and said, “lift your shirt.” She showed me her badge with her children on it and asked me if I had kids, I said, “yes.” “Then lift your shirt, you need this shot, and you are going to learn how to do it yourself because your boys are at home and they need you there too.” I lifted my shirt. I turned my head not looking. The nurse tried to get me to watch so she could teach me. I told her, “look, this is all I got for you tonight I’m not watching or learning this right now.” She said ok but I needed to learn it in the morning when my next shot is due. I told her there is no-way, no-how I’m going to give myself a shot. I just can’t.
But, I knew who could….Samantha Scouten. My 4th sister. Samantha isn’t my “blood” sister but, she certainly is a sister to me. My shot was due at 6:30am. I called her and told her I needed her for this task. I couldn’t do it. Without hesitation she said yes. Matter of fact once she arrive she never left my side. Samantha stayed two nights with me. This gave Kent comfort, me too. (And Nellie) I didn’t want to be alone. She would take notes for me, she would write down questions I needed to ask the doctor, give me advice, give me my shots, help me get to the bathroom, and walk the halls with me over and over. We walked and talked so much. And when it was silent, it wasn’t awkward.
It’s you and me, me and you
Where you go, I’ll go too
I’m with you, I’m with you
‘Til your heart finds a home
I won’t let you feel alone
I’m with you, I’m with you
Samantha and I
My sisters were calling me constantly. And thank goodness for Skype and FaceTime! I would talk to my sister Becky in Okinawa, Japan a lot. She would just sit there looking at me expressing how bad she wants to come home and be with me. Becky and I would sit there looking at each other crying on the computer. Pathetic and so sad. We needed each other, little did we both know just how much.
Becky and I look a lot a like but we are 4yrs apart. We’re a lot alike too. Throughout this whole situation Becky has mirrored my symptoms. From the time I hurt my back and even having chest pains.
Becky and I
Becky called me up on the phone and told me she was having extreme chest pain and Derek (husband) had to help her get out of bed. She got this checked out at the doctors and they said it was just strained or pulled muscles from her swim training for an upcoming triathlon she was competing in. I felt uneasy about her diagnosis but trusted the professionals. Then she called me again and said, “Tahny I was brushing my teeth and cleared my throat and a there was a big blood glob, what do I do?” I told her, “I’m sure you’re fine but don’t ignore it and just go get it checked out at the doctors.” This sounds all to familiar. I knew she had pulmonary embolisms, but I was hoping it would come out that she didn’t. Becky was supposed to be coming home in one week….
We could shake our fists
In times like this
When we don’t understand
Or we could just hold hands
You do your best to build a higher wall
To keep love safe from every wrecking ball
When the dust is cleared we will
See the house that love rebuilt
Guarding beauty that lives here still
Who can say I’m left with nothing?
When I have all of you, all of you, yeah
In the way you’ve always loved me
I remember He does too
Song lyrics by: Nicole Nordeman & Amy Grant