Disbelief Chapter 5

Before I was able to come home I needed to have my I.N.R levels up. This is checking how thin my blood is by the blood thinners, Coumadin, Lovenox and Heparin. The doctors wanted my blood reading to be between 2.0-3.0 This is called being therapeutic. I wasn’t reaching the goal. I couldn’t break 1.4 which meant I couldn’t go home. I was devastated. It was a waiting game. I couldn’t eat either. My stomach was a complete knot. Plus, I didn’t know what I could or couldn’t eat so I resorted to a couple bites of hospital oatmeal and water. Then another blood draw….1.6 I could go home. Not as high as they wanted me but I could go home and that was all that mattered.

I called Kent to pick me up. Samantha was still with me and she helped me pack and carry my things down to the lobby to wait for Kent. While waiting in the lobby there was a young girl sitting across from me and she seemed to be autistic. She had an IV in her arm, scars’ on her body, and her teeth were messed up. Then she asked me, why was I there? Her dad looked at her with one eye brow raised and told her not to be rude! I said, “it’s ok and I’m here because I have blood clots in my lungs”…..that was the first time I said it to a stranger and I heard myself say it and thought oh my gosh I have blood clots in my lungs! Then this young lady said she is going to the dentist to get her braces removed and she hopes that she will be able to sing again. Her voice was a little slurred and her words were drawn out. She clearly was not talking that way because of the braces. But, she was convinced once her braces were to be removed her singing voice would be restored. She proceeded to tell me she wanted to try out for American Idol “again” I just shook my head thinking this is really sweet and extremely sad all at the same time. Then she said, she wanted to get ANOTHER golden ticket. She explained that she tried out last season and waited in the long lines and made it thru to the judges and received a golden ticket to go to “Hollywood!” I kept nodding, listening in disbelief. Then I looked at her dad, tears were puddling in his eyes and he looked at me and shook his head yes and said it’s true. This young lady 1 week before Hollywood week was in a bad car accident and hit a huge tree head on. She was extremely fortunate to be alive. She once was a young lady that had her “once in a life time” ticket clutched in her hands then just like that in a quick blink of an eye her life is reverted back to being in the mind of a 5 year old. Her ticket..her golden dream….gone. This young lady could have possible been the “Next American Idol” and all she was excited about that day was getting her braces removed. Her excitement was as huge as if she just got that ticket all over again.

It brought tears to my eyes. She could’ve stood there in the hospital lobby and belted out the most beautiful sound from her slurred and stuttering voice and everyone there watching would’ve declared her a winner. I can only imagine her voice now sounds more precious to her dad then the first time he heard her sing without any flaw. Then she left, and I was left there sitting and being reminded how precious and fragile life is once again. But, most importantly how we plan our own destiny and how quickly God can put the brakes on our plan so fast and turn us down another direction. His direction, His path. Fighting this realization as a Christian sometimes makes it so much worse. We need to just “let go” and “let God.”

God knows us personally, has a plan for us, and allows us to find hope in Him.
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Lord, I’m so glad that no accident, blood clots, or sin can ever removed the Golden Ticket you have given me as being my Savior. Nothing can removed You from me. Nothing.

I was home. Kent had to go back to work. I reassured him it was ok to leave and I’d be ok. But, really I was screaming inside, don’t leave me! I just felt so guilty he was missing work so much. I was by myself for the first time in 6 days. It was quiet. I stood there in my living room weak, looking at the clock thinking Max will be home in 1 hour. I can’t wait to be standing here at the end of the driveway waiting for him. I wanted Rudy home, I wanted to hear him say, “Mommmmmyyyy!” But, I was alone. I turned on the tv to break the silence. It didn’t help, so I went outside there was a slight breeze, I remember thinking I just want to sit down and close my eyes and let the sunshine soak in. But, I was paranoid to sit. You should stay moving to prevent blood clots…..are my socks too tight….how long was I in the car sitting….what time is it, do I need my Coumadin? Does that have vitamin K in? STOP! STOP! STOP! Settle down! Everything is ok…I felt this calmness pour over me. The quiet became peaceful instead of frightening. And the Son was pouring in.

Becky was still in Japan already packed and ready to come home. Derek was in main land Japan when Becky had given me the phone call about coughing up blood. I told her I will keep my phone and FaceTime on the whole time to stay with her. She was very nervous and now concerned she would not be able to come home. If there was ever a time she needed to be home it was now! She had another military wife take her in. Becky explain to the doctor how she has been feeling and what she coughed up. The doc said she wanted to rule out any possible chance of there being pulmonary embolisms. Becky was in disbelief. I was in disbelief. She called me up saying, “Tahny what do I?” “What if that’s what they find?!” I told her they probably won’t find PE’s but, it’s better just to get it checked so it can be ruled out. I stayed with her all night on FaceTime we were typing and talking back and forth through every step, her IV’s, even up to the time she was being rolled in for her CT scan. She would send me pictures so I felt as if I were actually there.

I was waiting for her to type back her results. I was praying that she didn’t have to go through this too. My next writing from Becky was; “I’m on Coumadin for six months” I read those words in disbelief. “Tahny, they said I’m pretty lucky to have such an obvious sign as coughing up blood, what is going on!?” There’s no luck about it. God just sometimes makes things more clear to us then other times. I just don’t understand why her too Lord? The doctor was explaining things to Becky about her new diet she is going to have, what Lovenox shots are and how to do them to herself. But, Becky would talk to her doctor as if she understood all these things way too clearly. Becky let her doctor know that her older sister is going through this exact same thing right now. The doctor looked at Becky and was in shock. Becky explain to her that we weren’t twins but we mirrored each others symptoms. The next thing I know is the doctor is now asking me what dosage of Lovenox and Coumadin I’m on so they can give Becky the same. Becky’s only question was can I fly home? Needless to say they told her “NO!” The same tears of extreme sadness were being shed from across the world at the same time. I just didn’t understand.

Becky’s blood levels got in range, and with a lot of hesitation from the doctors they allowed Becky to come home. My other sister Staci and I were waiting for Becky in the luggage pick up at Detroit Metro. We haven’t seen each other in a year. But longing to be reunited with her since this has happened between us both was different then just a normal reuniting. It felt like I was waiting for my other leg or arm to be rejoined with my body. Then there she was coming down the escalator, I just looked at her for a moment before I started yelling her name, she didn’t look like a 30 year old lady to me, she was my baby sister that I always had to make a sandwich when we were younger. We weren’t even hugging yet but tears were welling in my eyes. Staci and I starting jumping up and down, “Becky! Becky!” Ahhhhhhh the embrace of relief. She was home.

We went to our doctor appointments together, blood draws together, and the genetic testing together. Both of our blood clots are called “Provoked” Becky’s were from oral contraceptives and mine were from my back surgery. So that means an automatic six months of Coumadin for us both. Then we get another CT scan done and see if the clots are gone. Times goes by so quickly, even in the world of Coumadin. After the first couple weeks of adjusting to the medicine, needles, and hundreds of finger pokes you think that time is standing still and six months could never get here fast enough. Then it’s here, well for Becky it is. She gets her CT scan done on her Birthday November 14th at 8:30am. So, please say a prayer for my baby sister today. She is nervous and can’t sleep, laying awake in bed on the other side of the earth from me right now. But, I feel the same nerves that are keeping her awake tonight. Even though my scan isn’t until December I still feel as if I’m getting the test done tomorrow too.

Becky we will be together again soon. Eating desserts, going for a jog, or running a marathon. But, even though we are miles apart the same butterflies that are fluttering in your belly tonight are in mine too today. I love you more then words could ever express. My hand is high in the sky and I’m shouting to you across the world, “PARTNERRRRSS!”

Becky and I after we finished Chicago Marathon

I will let everyone of you know how Becky’s test results came out as soon as I know too. Keep her/us in your prayers.

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Love and Pain Chapter 4

After the rush of getting hooked up to Heparin (blood thinner) I was already asking how long do I have to stay? Nurses and specialist were telling me all the same answer 3-4 days. But, this also depends on how well I react to the Heparin. But they kept stressing to me “thank God I came in”, and “I’m in the right place now” & “how lucky I am”. I don’t believe in luck. I believe having my faith in God gives me the strength and knowledge to know that everything is orchestrated by His almighty hand. Everything about this event was being controlled by God.

When Kent and I would be alone in the room, the only thing we would talked about was the boys. It was easier to talk about them instead of what was going on with me. How was Max going to get to school? Where was Rudy going to stay during the day while Kent was at work?…(at the job he just started.) This was rough. I could see the thoughts flooding through Kent, “how I’m I going to preform at work, be there for Tahny, take care of the boys?” I was worried about him. He had to handle all this on his own. Thoughts would creep in my mind…”is this how it would be for Kent and my boys without me….?” Step behind me satan…I would have to rebuke these thoughts knowing they were not from God.

My sister Jaime came up and saw me, my parents, and then Pastor Kevin. “Yikes! This must be bad” I thought when I saw him walk in. Goodness sakes, what the heck is going on with me! During this visit from my pastor he prayed with us all. My mom was crying but trying to play it cool. She couldn’t even look at me. I had to convince her I was going to be ok. She was so fake! Trying to look not worried!

After everyone left. I told Kent I wanted him home with the boys. I wanted them (Max) to be in their own home. I thought it would be best for them to be in their own environment with their daddy. Besides my immediate family, church and Nancy no one knew what was going on with me. Then my cell phone rang. It was my friend Kelly asking me something about school. Our boys are the same age. I told her I was in the hospital with blood clots in my lungs. She was quiet for a second, then instantly said what can I do to help? I told her just pray for me and you can let everyone else know. I don’t want to keep repeating myself. Within 10 minutes of our phone call I had people texting me, telling me they’re praying for me, asking me what they can do to help. Kelly was just the right person to call me at that time.

My first night alone was so quiet. It was calm, finally. No nurses rushing around me any more. No more blood draws at the moment. I just sat there looking out the window, it was dark and the sky was lit up from the light post in the parking lot. I was sitting in bed thinking I have nothing to do. I was watching the clock wondering what Kent is doing with the boys. It was a school night, and I wasn’t there to get Max’s clothes picked out, his snack in the backpack, breakfast in the morning, and a kiss to him before he gets on the bus. Then Max called me on Skype. It’s amazing what strength we can muster up when our children are around, just because you don’t want them to worry or give them any fear. I sat up tall in my bed pulled my hair back in a fresh ponytail and said in a bright voice, ” Hi Max! I miss you buddy!” Max ignored my fake excitement and went straight to the question he needed to know, “are you ok, mom?” His face had fear all over it, I will never forget that look on his face. And his bottom lip and chin was tighten up and he was wanting to cry. I told him, “Yup, I’m fine buddy and I’ll be home in a couple days, I need you to help with Rudy ok?” We said our goodnights. I instantly collapsed back down in my hospital bed. I shoved my face in the pillow, I’ve never cried so much in my life. The silent cry, that cry when you don’t make any sound, just massive amounts of tears rolling down your face. Then there is Rudy. He is two years old and he loves me with his whole heart I know, but he is only two. We don’t even have memories made yet at an age he would remember me. Gosh, I’ve never been so broken.

I called Sharon my pastors wife. She understood what I was feeling without me having to say the words. She shared with me words that impact my life even today. She said, “Tahny God cares about you more then anything, I want you to close your eyes and visualize that you are nestled in His huge arms and He is holding you, taking care of you just be still and let Him hold you.”

Psalm 46:10(NIV)10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God”

I needed to get up out of that bed, my mind was feeling heavy. I would walk down the halls looping the floor over and over. Passing one room after another. There was one room that made me stand still in my tracks. This elderly lady was standing at the foot of the bed of her elderly husband. She was rubbing his crooked feet. His mouth was wide open, his lips sunken in from having his dentures removed and he just didn’t look well. She just stood there staring at him as if she saw something different then me. I saw this feeble looking man and she looked at him as if he was her knight in shining armor. You could see the love and pain all at the same time just by the look she was giving him. She was daze off deep in thought. I could only imagine it was about their younger youthful years, dating each other, being his bride, and raising children together. I stood there drawn in by her love for him crying, hurting and thanking God for letting me be outside this door watching this level of love unfold. Then it dawned on me, TO LOVE IS TO BE IN AGREEMENT TO BE WILLING TO HURT. I saw her sorrow, I felt her sorrow. To be a mother and a wife you are signing that contract to love so much it gives you a gut wrenching pain at times, and even though it hurts so bad, you still wouldn’t give it away. God did this for us. He had His son Jesus die on that cross for us. God allowed His Son to endure the PAIN and suffering to take away the sins of this world because He LOVED us that much. Love and pain, they’re companions. This real event that happen many years ago is the ultimate example of a Father to feel pain and love at the same time.

Love is a hurricane in a blue sky
I didn’t see it coming, never knew why
All the laughter and the dreams
All the memories in between
Washed away in a steady stream

Love is a hunger, a famine in your soul
I thought I planted beauty but it would never grow
Now I’m on my hands and knees
Trying to gather up my dreams
Trying to hold on to anything

During this time I had to start shots in my belly. The nurse came in and told me to lift my shirt cuz she needed to give me some shots. I know you are able to refuse meds in the hospital, so that’s what I did. “No…no…no” is what I told her shaking my head the whole time. She gave me a sarcastic giggle and said, “lift your shirt.” She showed me her badge with her children on it and asked me if I had kids, I said, “yes.” “Then lift your shirt, you need this shot, and you are going to learn how to do it yourself because your boys are at home and they need you there too.” I lifted my shirt. I turned my head not looking. The nurse tried to get me to watch so she could teach me. I told her, “look, this is all I got for you tonight I’m not watching or learning this right now.” She said ok but I needed to learn it in the morning when my next shot is due. I told her there is no-way, no-how I’m going to give myself a shot. I just can’t.

But, I knew who could….Samantha Scouten. My 4th sister. Samantha isn’t my “blood” sister but, she certainly is a sister to me. My shot was due at 6:30am. I called her and told her I needed her for this task. I couldn’t do it. Without hesitation she said yes. Matter of fact once she arrive she never left my side. Samantha stayed two nights with me. This gave Kent comfort, me too. (And Nellie) I didn’t want to be alone. She would take notes for me, she would write down questions I needed to ask the doctor, give me advice, give me my shots, help me get to the bathroom, and walk the halls with me over and over. We walked and talked so much. And when it was silent, it wasn’t awkward.

It’s you and me, me and you
Where you go, I’ll go too
I’m with you, I’m with you
‘Til your heart finds a home
I won’t let you feel alone
I’m with you, I’m with you

Samantha and I

My sisters were calling me constantly. And thank goodness for Skype and FaceTime! I would talk to my sister Becky in Okinawa, Japan a lot. She would just sit there looking at me expressing how bad she wants to come home and be with me. Becky and I would sit there looking at each other crying on the computer. Pathetic and so sad. We needed each other, little did we both know just how much.

Becky and I look a lot a like but we are 4yrs apart. We’re a lot alike too. Throughout this whole situation Becky has mirrored my symptoms. From the time I hurt my back and even having chest pains.

Becky and I

Becky called me up on the phone and told me she was having extreme chest pain and Derek (husband) had to help her get out of bed. She got this checked out at the doctors and they said it was just strained or pulled muscles from her swim training for an upcoming triathlon she was competing in. I felt uneasy about her diagnosis but trusted the professionals. Then she called me again and said, “Tahny I was brushing my teeth and cleared my throat and a there was a big blood glob, what do I do?” I told her, “I’m sure you’re fine but don’t ignore it and just go get it checked out at the doctors.” This sounds all to familiar. I knew she had pulmonary embolisms, but I was hoping it would come out that she didn’t. Becky was supposed to be coming home in one week….

We could shake our fists
In times like this
When we don’t understand
Or we could just hold hands

You do your best to build a higher wall
To keep love safe from every wrecking ball
When the dust is cleared we will
See the house that love rebuilt
Guarding beauty that lives here still

Who can say I’m left with nothing?
When I have all of you, all of you, yeah
In the way you’ve always loved me
I remember He does too

Song lyrics by: Nicole Nordeman & Amy Grant